Testimony
I've written and re-written this a hundred times. It's still not "perfect" but it is my story. Thanks Chelsea for making me get it out there ;]
“So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord…but bear your share of hardship for the Gospel with the strength that comes from God” (2 Timothy 1:8)
A while back someone told me "If everyone knew the things I knew about you, I don't think they'd feel comfortable around you." [To clarify, it was out of hurt, I doubt they really meant it] In the moment, I was furious. They were totally right. If they knew about My Chemical Romance fanatic, razor blade hiding, lying, lost me...They probably would never speak to me.
The truth is, I was not always one to cook three meals a day, call my friends just to see if I could pray for them, or resolve my anger issues by actually talking about them. I am the way I am now because of Jesus Christ. Let me tell you a little bit about it.
I was always kinda the weird kid in school, didn't have a lot of friends, the ones I did have used me to be the butt of their jokes, and be mad at just because. It sucked. In middle school I saw an episode of 7th Heaven [I was so cool] where one of Mary's "troubled friends" was staying with her overly reproductive family. Homegirl was "crazy" and they had to keep an eye on her so she wouldn't "cut." That was the first time I had ever heard such a thing. This idiot cut herself because she was sad. I thought she was a moron and a half at the time, but not long after seeing that, I got myself into a situation that I didn't know how to handle and the first thing I thought of was Mary's friend who hid in her bathroom, took apart a razor blade, and cut her wrists. I was in seventh grade.
By the time I was a sophomore in high school the little nicks had turned into cuts that not only needed to be covered by watches and bracelets, but hoodies and jackets. [In South Texas, a teenager wearing a hoody 24/7 when it's 95+ degrees 95% of the year, should raise some sort of red flags] My depression was deep and selfish, consuming every part of me. I became used to it, honestly, it's where I liked to be. It was comfortable there. It didn't take work to be depressed.
Then, after watching it from afar, my now husband sent me an email that wrecked me. While your mom tells you everyday how pretty you are, how much she loves you, how special you are, it never really takes hold in a teenager [dumb kids] I felt like I was cared for, like someone saw something in me that I hadn't seen in myself for a long time. We started dating shortly after, but I still wallowed in my depression like a pig in his own crap. It was going to take a lot more than a cute boy to make me better. One night, I had absolutely no desire to live [stress at school, fighting with parents, bitchy friends, it seemed way too much to handle] I took a steak knife I kept nearby [gag] and carved up my arm like a Thanksgiving turkey. It was horrible.
"Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you." (Psalm 25:20)
It was then, for the first time in years, that I prayed. I begged God to save me from this pain, this pain that 20+ cuts couldn't compare to. I told Him I hated this life, and that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted that life to be OVER. Not only is there a promise of renewed life after death my friends, but there is a promise of new life NOW! I woke up the next morning, cleaned myself up and decided I had to stop living life for myself. I needed purpose, I needed to be healed. The cutting went from 3-4 times a day, to once a day, to a few times a week, to once a week, to once every few weeks, to once every few months, very, VERY gradually. I often used it as my last resort, which over time needed to be visited less and less. By my senior year 2-3 month stretches were normal and I decided [well, Jesus decided] it was time for me to be baptized, made new. I was saved and I was happy. Genuinely happy. I was starting my life as an adult, but at the same time just born into the infancy of Christ.
A few months later the stress of college, a cuh-rappy roommate [do not ever pick your roommate based on A.) she was the first person you met at college B.) she tells you she likes Eisley] and the stress of this new identity that I was responsible for drove me to cut. It was September 19, 2007. That was the LAST time I cut. I went to the bathroom and cried and prayed and for the first time instead of hearing the devil laugh in my face saying "You weak, stupid, little girl. Just how much DO you love Jesus? You're so disobedient, so unworthy" I felt the Lord wrap me up and say "I STILL love you. You are still my child, it's ok!"
That's when He started to work on my heart, my mind, and my spirit. Now that the physical had been healed, it was time He started really making me His. Through working with a teenager at the CPS shelter who dealt with the exact same issues, to teaching me what Marriage truly means, to softening my heart into motherhood, the Lord has made me His for eternity. And I am so grateful for that.
One year after my last slip up I went and got this tattoo. Any time you see a dove in stained glass windows, or with saints in beautiful paintings, it means the presence of the Holy Spirit is with them. I thought it suited me, and this location perfectly
Have a great Tuesday, everyone!
Mae
Chains
Have you been over to Us Three Birds lately? If not, you should.
In Chelsea's latest post "What's Got You In Chains?" after being inspired by this passage:
Acts 16:25-34 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them, 26 and suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken. And immediately all the doors were opened, and every one's bonds were unfastened. When the jailer woke and saw that the prison doors were open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself, supposing that the prisoners had escaped. 28 But Paul cried with a loud voice, “Do not harm yourself, for we are all here.” 29 And the jailer called for lights and rushed in, and trembling with fear he fell down before Paul and Silas. 30 Then he brought them out and said, “Sirs, what must I do to be saved?” 31 And they said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.” 32 And they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house. 33 And he took them the same hour of the night and washed their wounds; and he a was baptized at once, he and all his family. 34 Then he brought them up into his house and set food before them. And he rejoiced along with his entire household that he had believed in God.
Go check it out for yourself, there is lots of prayer goin on over there, don't deny yourself of carrying another's burden!
So then I had to ask myself...What are my chains? "What area of your life do you need to see God moving the most?"
Usually the first thing that comes up, even if you don't want to write it down is the one you know is true. So immediately, I thought of my bitter heart. My heart that tends to judge, tends to hate, tends to be the ugliest part of me. Being a SAHM doesn't help matters. I spend most of my day cleaning up after my toddler with the internal dialog that reflects that of the utmost lost sheep. It shames me. A few months ago I started working on this, started digging into the dirt, even though I was afraid of the worms and bugs that were about to surface.
My friends, not only did I dig to the bottom of that well, but I found the water!! It was gritty, earthy, and alkaline at first, but after I crawled out, let the water fill up this hole that had trapped me for a lifetime, and let the sediment drift to the bottom...It tasted delicious.
But this well is one that I'll be tending to for a while, so even though the hardest of the work has been done, I still have a little ways to go. While looking for a verse to put on my chalkboard this week, I came across this.
It was a very gentle reminder that my work was still unfinished.
Sticks & Spit
I'm in hardcore [I just saw someone else on another blog say "Hard Cord" and lol'd pretty good] nesting mode. It's been kind of hard with both babies building a sufficient nest not knowing how long we'll be in this apartment, or the next one, or the next house. I kind of feel like I always have to keep everything in a condition to where it is easily picked up and moved out. It sucks.
But today I got some things for me and Baby to make our nest a little cozier
We got this rocker [on sale, what what!] for our room. We didn't get a rocker with Lily til she was many months old, and it broke right under my big fat butt a few months ago. It's been something that Eamon's really wanted me to have for Lily, and now Baby.
