And sometimes, it's hard for me to share my words, because I know I feel too much, I put too much out there, and sometimes, I fear, and know, that it's one sided. But then, Tania shared some words with me, and I know there was something between us that is now knit together.
Here's what she had to say
"I have been documenting my girls for a while now, and I had made many many promises for myself to be conducting more self portraits, being in the photos with my children. You know how that goes,… I am also WAY more comfortable behind the scenes, something I am working on! I have been waiting for so long to invite a photographer into my home but had a hard time finding connection with someone who understood what were the little things that were so important to have documented. I was quite picky! Seeing your work and finding out that you would be in Seattle was my moment to commit - and what kismet that you happened to be one to photograph my family. From the moment I met you, I felt like you were a sibling, or family member that flew into town, you flowed into our morning rituals seamlessly, you connected with my girls, and your peaceful soothing presence and documentation style put me at ease and helped my crazy artist self to know I was in good hands, something very hard for many photographers to do ;) I felt blessed to have you come into my space with such respect and to share a morning walk and meal with us, I felt a genuine kinship in your approach. I have wholeheartedly LOVED having my family moments documented with you. For me to ‘exist’ in photographs with them is a rarity, and for you to do it so beautifully is something I hold dear to my heart. I love those raw moments, the real fleeting milestones in childhood that we forget so easily.
Of course you ask me the hardest yet one of the most often asked questions (i ask of myself)! What have these girls taught me? I think the benefit of having such different children are the gifts each offer to us, and to each other. Motherhood, parenting is this cliche quagmire of ‘hard work’ that is said so often but set aside so easily. It can be flinchingly unnerving when one innocently says, “oh so you’re just a mom right now”. As a strong, stubborn woman who has had experiences I love and craved once I became a mother, comments like that pushed me to the edge. I think our society don’t give the credit being a parent (men and women) deserves. Doing it “right" take so much of you and yet you have to find the balance so that you can continue to give, and give and give. It is the lesson of selflessness, compassion and humility that I owe to them. My girls have taught me forgiveness, acceptance, love, joy, raw emotion, unabashed feelings, and impermanence. I only can hope that I can serve that back up to them with a side of infinite appreciation. In all honesty, I focus on empathy, I focus on respect, I focus on communication. I think of the tools that are required for us to be solid human beings, solid adults who know boundaries, who are self assured, who are empathetic, who are confident and can communicate how they feel to themselves and each other, to self regulate and self care. I hope that these tools not only help them, but to advocate for others who need that support. To be an active participant in their communities, to value what it means to be humans with each other and the connections we share on this earth. As a yoga educator, social worker, mother, and photographer I find those tools essential in all the capacities I fulfill. Above all, forgiveness for the ‘mistakes’ we do day to day, and to start each brand new day again with that humility when that inner child comes out and tackles us and can be self defeating and self deprecating that makes parenting impossible. I am so long winded!
I now have children that are no longer in the toddler years, no babies in diapers, no nursing babes in arms, no baby wearing shelves full of beautiful wraps, and achey backs from co-sleeping (well, this isn’t technically over)… and I am slightly grieving as I have been nursing for 6 consecutive years. I am also really growing into my next stage of motherhood, with more personal and professional freedoms that I have missed and grieved even, and trying to make sense of this new role. What people don’t tell you when you become a mother is this identity shift, even though a good one, isn’t always the best experience. With my first child, I had moved frequently with my husband’s work in the military and I felt estranged, isolated and without community, I had such difficulty transitioning and was constantly self critical of my shortcomings…. I built a community of mothers around me wherever I moved but when I look back at that time I shudder, and wish that I could have told that new mama that it would get better, that I would get to a point in which I can make some sense of what I am in all of this mama stuff, and how I reconcile those identities of being a partner, a mother, and me. Women are so strong. We are such a magical force if we only knew how resilient and full of power we contain… I am looking forward to combining much of my career and how it folds into my home life. Being a mother is above all so important for me, that everything has always taken second place and I am not ashamed one bit HOWEVER, I am endlessly grateful for the privilege to be able to be home with them most of the time because I know that this is not a reality for many parents. "
Thank you, Tania and Nick. I can't wait to do this again sometime <3