ME TOO!!!

You know what I love about blogs? This sort of community you can have with someone you've never met.
Spiritually, I've met Chelsea from Three Birds, and started talking to her on a personal level because it just got deep so quick!
In the Mommyhood world, I sorta stalked this trio turned quartet over at Pacing the Panic Room. It made sense because their little girl, Tessa is just a few weeks older than Lily. Then I found Emery Jo over at moms are for everyone! because our pregnancies are lined up [almost to the day!] this time around.

You've seen the instances where the Lord has been working on something in Chelsea's heart then starts doing the same in mine, but sometimes there are much more practical everyday occurances that happen that make me scream "ME TOO!" from my birthing ball in front of my computer.

For instance:
A few weeks ago we went to the park and there was this irritating little girl shouting at the top of her lungs, FOR TWENTY FREAKIN MINUTES
"D-I-N-O-S-A YOU ARE A DINOSAUR!" I went clear to the other side of the park to avoid Lily trying to copy her. This is one of the many times I hate going to the park. Kids swearing at the ripe old age of 4, other moms letting their kids be complete d-bags. OH, I AM that mom who says something. So I rolled over laughing when I read this post about little Tessa and her daddy going through the same thing.

Then, as I was preparing to blog about this week, I read Emery Jo's Valentine's Day experience...Holy Cow. Yup, The Flu & 35 weeks Pregnant is right! Monday night I was supposed to bring sushi to one of my newly newborn'd friends and bash The Bachelor while we coo'd over her little girl...but my lungs decided they wanted to leave my body and never come back. Then Lily and I both got fever. Her's got up to about 105 so we went to the ER and found out we had Flu A. BUT, Thank GOD it only lasted about 24 hours. We've both still got a little bit of a cough, but the doctors said it'd probably stick around for a few weeks...so boo to that, but ya for no fever!

And now: some random pictures!

Lily being totally pathetic and passed out at the hospital. Her head was right on Baby's feet and it kept karate kicking her in the head and waking her up :]

When we were taking my weekly picture [which looks like total crap, I know] I let Lily take some pictures of Eamon being goofy. She LOVES playing photographer.

Eamon begged me not to post these...oops.

Lily got into some phantom lip gloss that she found while I was moving our lemon tree outside to enjoy this BEAUTIFUL spring weather we've been having here in Texas.

Last night I did about $30+ worth of laundry at the laundry mat. It was quite the experience...and work out! I was running from machine to machine for over an hour before I got a break...I guess I needed the exercise anyway.

And here's how Baby's lookin these days:

BEFORE I FORGET!!

My 200th blog post is coming up soon! I've got a fun game and an amazing giveaway planned, I'm so excited :]

To keep my organized, I've got to figure out what the next couple of posts are gonna be about to get me to the big 2-0-0! Here's what you can expect:

Baby Burke To Do List

Meet Our Birth Team.

Who's Gotta Potty?

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite!

What Pregnancy Has Taught Lily: The Sequel

Mamaste

THE BABY IS COMING!!!

I left some room to allow blogging material for whatever natural disaster/poop explosion/blessings may come along until then :]

Have a great weekend friends! Enjoy the sunshine!!!

Mae

How Being a Mom Has Made Me Awkward[er]

I've been waking up hour after hour every night for the past week hoping to get a text from a sweet fried saying "Start your praying, we're in labor!" With the snow the other night I even dreamt that her birth team couldn't make it fast enough and since I'm so close *I* had to go deliver the baby and photograph the birth! [Because you know, I'm an expert at both?!] Well this morning during my 5 o'clock "check your phone like a stalker psycho" I saw "2 unread messages" COULD IT BE?! I got ready to pray and then read "Woke up at 3 in active labor, H was born at 4:40" WHAT THE?!? PRAISE JESUS!!! So happy for my sweet friends, only a few more to go before mine gets here!

When I had Lily, I was just out of a very social job, hadn't been out of school that long, and still functioned like a normal human being.
A few months in [after being at home by myself for endless hours] I noticed I started losing my cool a little bit. I took Lily to a going away party for some friends one evening. The location took me over an hour to get to [hate living in the Metroplex], Lily was a hot mess by the time we got there. I was the only one there with a baby. There was another pregnant mom there, but that's about it. I sat off to the side for the most part [how do you tell the host of the party you're at to stop with the chain smoking? You'd think the pregnant lady and baby would slow 'em down, right?] Every now and then whoever wasn't afraid of a nursing mom [who had a cover on] would come and ask me how I was doing.

It was hot, [plus nursing increases your body temp to a comfy 115 at all times] Lily was getting sick of being shoved under the hooter hider, mosquitoes were gigantic and thought it appropriate to suck on my boobs as well, and I was getting sick of the second hand smoke. So like the loving, awesome mother/friend I am, I used my daughter. She was crying so I took her to the car to change her diaper. While I was there I decided "Screw it. I've gotta go." But what could I do? Lily was already conched out in her carseat, and the party was down a little trail. So I just left.

That's when it all started.

After a year of "Sorry! We can't make it, thanks for inviting us though!" Our friends were sure we hated them. But the truth is, when you don't have any family nearby, and all of your friends [read: sitters] get together, you can't do anything after baby decides it's time to go to sleep! So I counted my losses and moved on. "They'll understand when THEY have babies," I thought to myself. But then I realized...eh, no they won't. The whole "no family nearby thing" kinda puts a damper on situations.

But then I noticed that the weirdo in me was coming out more and more. While grocery shopping I saw one of the patients that used to come into the office I worked at. I knew her name, her baby's name, hell, I even remembered what day of the week she came on and her phone number, but I could not for the life of me figure out how to carry on a conversation with her.

She said "OHMYGOODNESS! Is this your baby?!"
 "...Yep"
"Oh, well how old is she now? I didn't get to see her when she was born."
"She just turned a year old."
"THAT'S AWESOME!"
"Yeah...." trying to smile genuinely
"So...how have things been going? I see you didn't come back to work" She looked a little disappointed [and rightly so, right? I was an awesome receptionist ;] I kid!!!]
"Ya, I just sit at home now. And I'm pregnant again." pretty sure I sounded like Ben Stein at this point.
"Aw! Congratulations!"
"Thanks..."
Her adorable little girl was staring at me from the grocery cart, just a few months older than Lily, but smaller. Her and her mom were wearing matching headbands, didn't have a blemish on them, both wearing white, CLEAN shirts. I'm in sweats and Lily's in a dress, no shoes, hair in knots, half covered in hummus. She started to push her cart away.
"...uh, your daughter's really cute"
"Thank you!" she said with that sideways head tilt thing like "Ok, we gotta go now, you're a mess"

I stood there, amongst the bulk bins of rice thinking "Did that REALLY just happen? I can't communicate with the outside world anymore, can I?" So over the next few months I began to just accept that I am no longer one of the most popular girls on campus, that I can't just strike up a conversation with strangers on the street, let alone a good friend, or be seen in public with any sort of clean clothing.

Now I'm about seven months pregnant with #2 and we're going out to eat at a place we go to...maybe, twice a month? A waitress [who sees us every freakin time we're in there] sees my on my way to the restroom and says
"Oh! You're expecting another one?!"
Poor lady hardly had time to laugh before I shot her a look and said
"Obviously!?"
without missing a step.
"What the heck is wrong with me?!" I thought to myself as I sat on the toilet. Something has GOT to change!

The nail in the coffin came last week. My husband has a Non Verbal Learning Disability [It's the umbrella that covers a lot of disorders all the way down through Autism] so when he notices things, I know they are pretty obvious. Last week we were at an appointment and my doctor wrapped what I had just said up in a nutshell. I didn't quite understand how he got what he said out of what I said but moved on. Later that night I asked Eamon if he noticed anything different about me since becoming a mother. We started talking about how socially awkward I am and he said
"Well, like today, you looked at Dr. H like 'No D-bag, that's not what I meant' I mean, I'm sure he didn't notice, but you used to be able to hide that sort of thing."
I actually got embarrassed sitting on my own couch. That's not what I was thinking! That's just crazy, did I really do that?!?

What's gonna happen to me when #2 comes along? Am I just going to have to wear a sign that says "Don't talk to me, I will disappoint you" everywhere I go? Will my children be embarrassed to go out in public with me? Or worse yet, will they be the kids on the playground who say "Ya, I'm playing right now, can you go away?" I fear the worst. ;]

Hope you've had a great week, everyone!
Mae

Oh, and here's how said number two is cookin ;]

Testimony

I've written and re-written this a hundred times. It's still not "perfect" but it is my story. Thanks Chelsea for making me get it out there ;]




“So do not be ashamed of your testimony to our Lord…but bear your share of hardship for the Gospel with the strength that comes from God” (2 Timothy 1:8)


A while back someone told me "If everyone knew the things I knew about you, I don't think they'd feel comfortable around you." [To clarify, it was out of hurt, I doubt they really meant it] In the moment, I was furious. They were totally right. If they knew about My Chemical Romance fanatic, razor blade hiding, lying, lost me...They probably would never speak to me.

The summer after I graduated RFHS with the lead singer Gerard Way, of MCR

The truth is, I was not always one to cook three meals a day, call my friends just to see if I could pray for them, or resolve my anger issues by actually talking about them. I am the way I am now because of Jesus Christ. Let me tell you a little bit about it.


I was always kinda the weird kid in school, didn't have a lot of friends, the ones I did have used me to be the butt of their jokes, and be mad at just because. It sucked. In middle school I saw an episode of 7th Heaven [I was so cool] where one of Mary's "troubled friends" was staying with her overly reproductive family. Homegirl was "crazy" and they had to keep an eye on her so she wouldn't "cut." That was the first time I had ever heard such a thing. This idiot cut herself because she was sad. I thought she was a moron and a half at the time, but not long after seeing that, I got myself into a situation that I didn't know how to handle and the first thing I thought of was Mary's friend who hid in her bathroom, took apart a razor blade, and cut her wrists. I was in seventh grade.


By the time I was a sophomore in high school the little nicks had turned into cuts that not only needed to be covered by watches and bracelets, but hoodies and jackets. [In South Texas, a teenager wearing a hoody 24/7 when it's 95+ degrees 95% of the year, should raise some sort of red flags] My depression was deep and selfish, consuming every part of me. I became used to it, honestly, it's where I liked to be. It was comfortable there. It didn't take work to be depressed.


Then, after watching it from afar, my now husband sent me an email that wrecked me. While your mom tells you everyday how pretty you are, how much she loves you, how special you are, it never really takes hold in a teenager [dumb kids] I felt like I was cared for, like someone saw something in me that I hadn't seen in myself for a long time. We started dating shortly after, but I still wallowed in my depression like a pig in his own crap. It was going to take a lot more than a cute boy to make me better. One night, I had absolutely no desire to live [stress at school, fighting with parents, bitchy friends, it seemed way too much to handle] I took a steak knife I kept nearby [gag] and carved up my arm like a Thanksgiving turkey. It was horrible.


 "Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you." (Psalm 25:20)


It was then, for the first time in years, that I prayed. I begged God to save me from this pain, this pain that 20+ cuts couldn't compare to. I told Him I hated this life, and that I didn't really want to die, I just wanted that life to be OVER. Not only is there a promise of renewed life after death my friends, but there is a promise of new life NOW! I woke up the next morning, cleaned myself up and decided I had to stop living life for myself. I needed purpose, I needed to be healed. The cutting went from 3-4 times a day, to once a day, to a few times a week, to once a week, to once every few weeks, to once every few months, very, VERY gradually. I often used it as my last resort, which over time needed to be visited less and less. By my senior year 2-3 month stretches were normal and I decided [well, Jesus decided] it was time for me to be baptized, made new. I was saved and I was happy. Genuinely happy.  I was starting my life as an adult, but at the same time just born into the infancy of Christ.


A few months later the stress of college, a cuh-rappy roommate [do not ever pick your roommate based on A.) she was the first person you met at college B.) she tells you she likes Eisley] and the stress of this new identity that I was responsible for drove me to cut. It was September 19, 2007. That was the LAST time I cut. I went to the bathroom and cried and prayed and for the first time instead of hearing the devil laugh in my face saying "You weak, stupid, little girl. Just how much DO you love Jesus? You're so disobedient, so unworthy" I felt the Lord wrap me up and say "I STILL love you. You are still my child, it's ok!"


That's when He started to work on my heart, my mind, and my spirit. Now that the physical had been healed, it was time He started really making me His. Through working with a teenager at the CPS shelter who dealt with the exact same issues, to teaching me what Marriage truly means, to softening my heart into motherhood, the Lord has made me His for eternity. And I am so grateful for that. 

One year after my last slip up I went and got this tattoo. Any time you see a dove in stained glass windows, or with saints in beautiful paintings, it means the presence of the Holy Spirit is with them. I thought it suited me, and this location perfectly

When was the last time you shared your testimony? Shared about how hard it was, shared how easy it was? Gave Glory to God for the wonderful work He's done? I encourage you to just take the time and write it out, tell someone you've never told before, thank God if you haven't done it in a while! If you've shared your testimony on your blog, link it here! I'd love to read about it.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!
Mae