About a month ago I hit a wall.
I was exhausted, rotting with depression, unable to control my girls, and spoiled with my self obsession.
I was terrified of continuing to school Lily at home, constantly making "jokes" about enrolling her in school. And I was completely incapable of talking to her without one or both of us screaming and in tears.
I was uninspired as my call to be Eamon's wife, his servant, his companion.
I was done with my life being ruled by Norah's diet and never ending scratching (and constantly having to talk about it.)
And most confusing of all, I was so ready to hold my new baby...but didn't know if I could handle the pressure. For about a week I entertained the thought of adoption (yep, that really happened).
I began to pray.
Hard.
This happened to be a few days before lent, so for the first time in many years, I began to prepare my heart for a time of fasting. My obsession and dependence of facebook was out of control again so that was obviously something I should give up. I went through the gospels and read through Jesus's time in the desert to gain some more insight of what Lent is. Lent was the 40 day period of time where Jesus fasted and prepared Himself for His public ministry. Ah, perfect... but what is *my* public ministry... hmmm.
I've always struggled with women who say "My mission field is my home."
It has always seemed like such a cop out. As if they were saying "Nah... I don't need to get out in the world, I am fine just washing dishes" That's what I always thought they were saying. But after my first few days of praying, I found that is exactly where my heart is called. To my home. That was such a tough pill for me to swallow. ME, once "feminist," modern woman, can do anything a man can do better... Me. But over time, as God worked in me, the importance of what it means to have my ministry focused on my home sunk deep and held on.
My children need me. Yes, children in Africa need to be shown the face of Jesus, but I have two (soon to be through) temporarily tiny faces looking up at me every minute of every day who need to be shown Jesus, too. If I'm not showing Him to them, who will? Who will show them a servants heart? Who will demonstrate the strength in a dignified, loving woman? Who will show them forgiveness day after day? Who will shape their minds to be artistic, imaginative wholesome, and witty? Who will fill their bellies with food that will strengthen them? Who, who, WHO!?
Me.
This is my conviction. This is where God has placed me and my ladies. This is the role that Jesus has knit me together for when I was in my 15 year old mother's womb. To be a mother and wife that builds up the Kingdom of Heaven? What an undeserving honor...
I feel like I'm a bit all over the place with this. It's silly to think that I could fit one blog post with all that has been poured into me this past month. There's just too much!
But this is where I am now:
I have reactivated my personal account on facebook and am hating myself for every second I'm back on it... such a hard decision to make. Friends think that I'm being a careless friend because I didn't see that they were having a rough day, or that I must be hiding them in my feed because I don't care about them, when really they haven't even noticed that I was off of facebook for a month, lol.
I have finished the (LONG) process of restructuring my business to only take a few clients a month and still be able to produce art as well as having a thriving business. When I come back to work this summer/fall, it will be worth it.
I've prepared my home as an educational environment for my children. After much prayer and research we have finally decided to implement the Charlotte Mason method.
My husband and I are a little bit head over heals right now (THANK YOU, JESUS!). Even though by 9 every night I am overjoyed by the thought of sleep, and usually chase that soon after. He works around 60 hours a week and it's still such a huge transition for our family, but we are learning to rest in peace about not being around each other 24/7.
I am OVER THE MOON excited about our new Babe and am as prepared for his/her birth as I'm going to be! The team's been hired, plans are set, I'm ready to celebrate. A few nights ago, Eamon thanked me for growing him another baby, telling me he knows it's exhausting having so many pregnancies back to back. He tucked me in and kissed me goodnight and said "This is the last one we get new...next one will be pre-owned ;)" I love him.
Here are a list of books that I've been reading:
Desperate: Hope for the Mom that needs to breath (READ THIS.)
Loving Our Kids on Purpose
Educating the Wholehearted Child
Charlotte Mason: The Early Years
And here's a picture of our growing family :]
My darling Norah will be two on Sunday. I'll be back with a little post about her soon :]
Happy Thursday,
Mae
