I laid in bed crying with Norah last night as her ritual of wake up, scratch til it hurts, cry, come to mamas bed and scream, cry and scratch for a few hours was nearly over.
It was about 330 and I was trying to remember all of the good things about her to put me in a happy place and try not to dwell on "What if Baby #3 is just like this?" (though, I did, lots) I tried thinking back on blog posts that told of the great weekend I had with her and then realized that she's been such hard work that I've rarely talked about her here. What she's like when she's not scratching and screaming. Because if she is having a great day, there's no way I'm going to waste it by siting on the computer to type it all out. Having a child with an auto immune disease that isn't life threatening is really hard. There are no support groups for "my kid just effing itches all of the time." There's no way to fully explain that the reason I'm not sleeping is because I weaned my daughter at 18 months because nursing her was making me physically ill, and she doesn't know how to comfort herself, and I don't know how to teach her. That it's not a discipline issue, she has a psychological problem, and I have no idea what else I can do to give her some relief. There are no financial aid funds for babies with itchy skin who have to see a specialized doctor to be repeatedly tested. And there is not enough patience in the world for me to deal with every person who looks at her and says "Oh, that poor thing, she must be miserable" and then ask if I've changed her detergent.
So after a few hours of ^this^ and more, and writing what must look like a words from a lunatic in an email to some friends, I finally prayed. (I hate that I so often turn to everyone else before I turn to God. Such an awful part of my heart) Not long into my prayer did I realize that I had already gotten off track, thinking about what I've got to change about my meal plan, how I'm going to survive with Eamon working long hours out of the house again the(but THANK YOU JESUS for new job!), what I've got to tell everyone on facebook...It's pathetic, really. So I started my prayer again, only to get in a few sentences to start the same cycle again. And again. And again. My discipline in prayer is dismal.
So, I recognize this, and I'll be working on it (which means that I'll be in my word more too) but in the meantime, I could use some help to keep these prayers going. If you're the praying type, and you'd like to pray for us, here's what we need:
Lily: patience while her home education has been delayed and an ever growing desire to learn and grow close to Jesus. She is a huge helper with Norah, and loves her deeply. But her emotions get the best of her often resulting in three crying Burke ladies. That ain't pretty, y'all.
Norah: for Norah, we need a miracle. I need her body to be healed. I need her mind and little fingers to find peace to not scratch her skin so that when this new mystery rash does go away, it can heal. I need a way to be made for her to go see her doctor. I need divine wisdom to know how to discipline her in particular in a way that doesn't leave her to harm herself. I need her to know what peace feels like. I can't give that to her, only Jesus can. Please pray He can heal her and bring her peace because part of me is really doubting not that He can, but that He will.
Baby: I want to enjoy this baby more than you know, but the fear that I will have as much work cut out for me with him/her (or more!) than I do with Norah is almost crippling. Pray protection over this little baby as s/he grows. That her intestines would form properly, that all of his/her immune and histamyn receptors are in perfect working order and that s/he will have beautiful perfectly smooth skin.
Eamon: Eamon needs encouragement and strength to succeed at his new job. He needs to know that I believe in him, and he needs me to be able to hold down the fort while he provides for our family. I know I can't give him that confidence yet, because I haven't shown him that I can, but I want to.
Mae: I need to be lifted out of the fog of depression, I need to have a clear head, and a willing heart that will help me be the mom I want to be for the girls. I need to enjoy this pregnancy, enjoy my babies, enjoy Norah. I need to accept what I can and should do for my family and be encouraged that I am capable of it.
I woke up this morning, to get on facebook to clean out some friends and saw this verse posted on my church's page, how fitting.
we do not know how we should pray, but the Spirit himself
intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings."